How the Suethor Saved Yuletide
by The Phantom of the Library
Summary: A poem based on How the Grinch Stole Christmas about how Sauron nearly destroys Yule by overrunning Arda with MarySues.


This is based off of Dr. Seuss's "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". I wrote it a few years ago for a friend.

Disclaimer: I do not make any profit from Tolkien or Seuss's writings.

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All Men, Elves, Dwarves, and Hobbits liked Yule a lot. 

But Lord Sauron, who lived east of Gondor, did not.

In fact, he hated Yuletide! But no-one knows why.

It could be because he was a giant, great Eye.

Or perhaps his minions didn't give him any gifts,

Or perhaps it was because of his "family rifts".

But I think that the most likely reason of all

Was that Middle-earth was not under his thrall.

Whatever the reason, his eye or his minions,

He glared from his tower, thinking over his opinions.

"How I hate Yuletide cheer!" the Great Eye thought, glaring.

"I simply can't stand it! It messes with my staring!

I must find a way to stop the Yule from coming!"

For he knew tomorrow, with joy unbecoming,

All the neighbors in Gondor would wake up and creep

Down the stairs of their houses to take a peep

At the mounds of gifts from family and friends.

And in Rivendell, there would be dancing on end!

The Dwarves in their mines would be partying loudly,

Comparing the gifts they had received quite proudly.

But hobbits, oh hobbits, were the worst of them all.

They were kind, they were friendly, and ever-so-small.

Sauron could not abide such a show of good will.

Even the mere thought made him feel so very ill.

For these hobbits gave presents, well meant and thought-out.

For hobbits, presents were not what it was all about.

Every hobbit in Hobbiton, the young and the old,

Invited friends and family in from the cold.

Then they would feast, and they'd feast,

And they'd feast, feast, feast, feast, feast, feast, feast, feast, feast, feast!

Which was one thing Sauron couldn't stand in the least.

The more Sauron thought of a Yule (with no Ring),

The more Sauron thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

"Why, for countless years I've put up with it now!

"I must stop this Yuletide from coming- but how?"

He got an idea, an AWFUL idea-

Sauron got a wonderful, AWFUL idea!

"I know just what to do!" Sauron laughed in his mind.

He logged on fanfiction to see what he could find.

There were slash stories, self-inserts by the dozen,

And stories about Gandalf's made-up cousin.

But this didn't hinder Sauron, oh no, not this,

He found what he was looking for and made a list

Of everything he needed to make some terrors.

"Perfect hair, perfect eyes, friend of Ring-bearer,

"Shadowed past, broken soul, romantic affair,

"Adored by everybody, judgment impairs,

"Daughter of… me?... part mermaid, part fairy, has wings,

"And a name like Taurelambiconterlenjing.

"With these things I shall create Mary-Sues of fear!

"All I need is a fic-writer, but there are none near."

Did that stop Lord Sauron? No, he simply said,

"If I can't find a fic-writer, I'll call one instead."

So he called Saruman up and told him to make

A portal to the world where the fic-writers partake

In writing their fantastic, improbable dreams,

Where canon characters meet OC's in extremes.

Saruman did as he was bidden, and lo!

There was a fangirl shrieking, "Go, Leggy, go!"

With time and persuasion, Sauron got her to say,

"I'll write you your Sues, but then do things my way!

"Drop me off in Mirkwood so I can meet my Elf,

"Don't send Sues there- I want him myself!"

"Absolutely, not a doubt," lied Sauron with glee,

For he knew that the Sues would go straight for the hotties.

She hadn't a chance, and he didn't care at all,

He just wanted to witness the Yule's downfall!

So the fangirl dreamed up his legions of Sues,

And Sauron put her in Mirkwood when she was through.

He commanded the Sues to depart with great haste

As to arrive on time- the plan couldn't go to waste.

Fortunately for Middle-earth, the fan-girly

Had made it to the Elves' caves in the early

Yule morning, before there was even a trace

Of a hideously perfect Mary-Sue's face.

She snuck down the halls, giggling to herself,

Daydreaming about that poor old Elf.

"This is door number one!" the squealing fangirl hissed,

Imagining how she and Legolas would kiss.

She opened the door quietly and peered inside

And saw something that made her eyes open wide.

For there was an Elf that looked almost, but not quite,

Like he was Legolas, when in the right light.

_It _is_ Legolas! _she thought with a grin, insane.

"Hellooo, my promiscuous scone! Do you know my name?

"I'm your bride-to-be! I got into Middle-earth,

"And now I will find out just what my dreams are worth!"

He stared at her face and then started to sigh.

"Fangirl? Why are you in my home at this time? Why?

"Don't you know that it's Yule and we don't want to be

"Bothered by the likes of you so very early?"

With that, he pulled out a bow and arrow and aimed.

The fangirl pictured herself ravaged and maimed.

It was not a pleasant picture, and so she spoke.

"Don't shoot me! Please! What did I do to provoke?

"Nothing!" she shrilled before the other could speak.

"That giant eyeball sent me here," she squeaked.

The Elf glared, and released the arrow with flair.

It shot from the string and flew through the air.

Fangirl shrieked and attempted to duck and hide

When suddenly the arrow missed on one side.

She ran in a fright, the Elf's laughter behind her,

Which echoed the halls and was a reminder

That perhaps she shouldn't be here at all.

She found herself stopping, sitting against a wall,

And taking out the stories of the Sues she'd made.

She thought of Lord Sauron and flew into a rage.

"He knew this would happen! That stupid eyeball!

"I'll show him! Just watch me! I'll make him crawl!

"Even though he doesn't have a body, but still!

"I'll make it so his plan won't work, I will!"

She found herself a fireplace, threw the stories in,

And then wrote a story about a girl, wherein

She escaped from Middle-earth by saying, "I'm free!"

(It worked because it was a fanfic, you see.)

And so it was that the fangirl saved Yule

By bending and breaking canonical rules.

When she threw the stories into the fire

The Sues burned up, from Gondor to the Shire.

And so a story like this only goes to show

That a ditz can save the world, if she's on her toes.


End file.
